I yearn for the vulnerability of friendship in a romantic relationship

“Maybe we could be each other’s soulmates. Then we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with” - Charlotte York

The older I get, the more I understand this line from Sex And The City

“Maybe we could be each other’s soulmates. Then we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with”

Friendship has been playing a major role in my adulting journey in big cities. There are a variety of categories to sort our friendships into: acquaintance, casual, second-hand, long-term, etc (the list goes on forever).

But the ones you’ll always find me getting emotional over are the friendships where we both make room for vulnerability.

Vulnerability to me isn’t about trauma-bonding, it’s more about dissecting our personal struggles, discussing them, and finding solutions together without being afraid of getting judged. As someone who loves learning and discussing psychology, I approach vulnerability in a more curious way, wanting to learn and improve instead of merely complaining.

Friendship that embrace vulnerability is where I can express myself most deeply, yet feeling refreshed and even safe after every conversation. We know how to listen to each other, find common ground. It feels like both of us are putting in effort to understand, to figure it out, to laugh about it, to take a look at it from a third-person view. Friendship always feels so uplifting, healing.

Maybe it’s my experience, but this feeling is just so rare in romantic relationships??

I first experienced vulnerability through a romantic relationship, and it completely backfired on me. I found myself having to over-empathize with the person I was seeing, almost like playing this one-sided parenting role. I didn’t realize how unhealthy it was back then - being emotionally drained every single time we met, manipulated into loving and caring for someone who never reciprocated those feelings

I keep on wondering: Why can’t we experience the same vulnerability in romantic relationships that we do in friendships?

Is it because we’re so scared of the idea that we owe the other person something?

That we’re no longer desirable to them? Are we scared about the idea of them leaving us, or the way we’re being perceived ?

But here’s what gets me: in a friendship - where we’re also being perceived, yet we feel more free to express ourselves. So are we really just battling attachment when it comes to romance? Is it because there’s a physical ownership aspect?

Attachment is the root of our pain ( from what I learn so far after getting into Buddhism teaching) and I have way too many questions still….

Safe to say, at any given time, intimacy in friendship feels so much more intense than intimacy in a romantic relationship! Maybe this is how that dialogue from Sex and The City was born.